me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
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Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?