Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
You Might Also Like
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
23. the denim jacket
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd