My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
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Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Life cycle of cat
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go