“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
no their not
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.