EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
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Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*swipes right on my hand mirror
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.