I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
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They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.