Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.