Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?