Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Storm Tropical Storm
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
“OMGJK” -atheists
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.