living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
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front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
iPhone X
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.