If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
#Caturday
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”