Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
You Might Also Like
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
it was a valiant fight
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?