You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.