I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
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“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire