ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
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me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.