If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
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hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Quadruple digit IQ
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Hmmmmm
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.