Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
This guy gets it.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs