So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.