My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
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[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Hot Hot Hot
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Y’all ready for this
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin