I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.