My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
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formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
can I use a minion as a tampon
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.