Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
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“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.