Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
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A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
i will not be silenced
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.