If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
You Might Also Like
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
This meal prepping shit is easy
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves