“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers