in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
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Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.