Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
You Might Also Like
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea