Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
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Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.