And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs