If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
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If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.