I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*