Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing