[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.