This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
You Might Also Like
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?