When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
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the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.