My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
WHY would you be happy about this?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Blew my mind.