“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
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Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.