I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
The best plant holders?
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.