I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
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[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.