HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
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Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances