BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
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[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
#SCOTUS one-star review
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.