all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
never forget
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
The news
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary