People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
You Might Also Like
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit