Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u