[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?