Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?