Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Still cracks me up
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…