True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
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Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)