[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
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me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me and my fake scenarios
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant