I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.